I never thought that I would get myself into a place where I would be so reliant on an individual that no matter what I do, I could never make them happy... Well, I realized I do this often and just because I have been openly gay now and in a relationship I truly feel is the one, I have put myself into a situation where I have given my boyfriend no space and the inability to do things for himself.
It's hard to think that things that we think we are doing things that we look and say, "hey, I am helping them" but in reality we have actually hurt them more than anything. And this is where I am sitting right now.
I had stayed at a friend's place last night and honestly was the hardest thing I have ever done. I slept horrible and all I could think of is if my boyfriend was doing alright and if he was sleeping or what not.
I don't know if this helped at all, but I truly want the tension of whatever this feeling is between my boyfriend and I to go away. I never wanted it like this and I will continue to fight for him. For his health and understanding that I do not want to hurt him at all... But through these last couple months I have hurt him more than he thinks I have or maybe he doesn't know how much I hurt him...
A lot of emotions going through my head but I am glad to have friends that will sit with me and go through this with me because I feel so oblivious to this as well as I am just realizing it now and I feel any steps in any direction will be a step back and I think it'd be more strain than anything...
Oh God, help me now. Haha
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Taking that first step
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Family is more than just blood
You never realize how much your life can change until you are face to face with two cops standing at your doorway at 2:30 in the morning.
More and more time I am astonished by how cruel this world really is and it has come apparent to me that there are just some people who would rather see others not succeed.
In my life I have watched people suffer and fall due to others attacking them emotionally, verbally and some times even physically and this is another one of those cases.
In all of what is going on I am trying to stay in positive spirit as this is happening but there are some days where I just need to break down and cry. Other these next months I will need a lot of time to recap and come along side friends and family to help Shane and I grow and learn from this.
It's going to be an interesting ride.
Sunday, 17 January 2016
Fate always has a way with things.
I am becoming more and more of a believer of Fate. In thought that everything we do in our lives have either a positive or negative outcome in which we choose to live it. My relationship with Shane has been a testimony in itself of Fate bringing us together. For sometime now I have been saying to those who ask me about my relationship with him like, "something I didn't know I needed until I had it."
It was a clear choice I wanted and needed to be with him. There was no denying that what I was attracted to in him, I did not feel in anybody else. No male or female person who I was with before couldn't even compare to the connection I had with Shane.
Do you call that Fate? I sure do. That out of the blue, an individual who I haven't even crossed paths before or anything is now in my life and have taken my life for the best of journeys I could ever ask for.
If you don't know how Shane and I met. It was through an online dating site called Plenty of Fish. Before I had met him, I was deeply heart broken from a guy who I thought liked me and wanted to push further in our relationship only to find out he wanted me for sex and such. I met Shane after my friend Sav told me that the best thing to do is to put myself out there once again and to not let the past define who I thought I was.
I had met Shane on September 27th, 2015. I had picked him up on that Sunday and we decided to get Starbucks (which is pretty much our favourite spot now) and to walk Zwicks. Over the course of the night our walls of life slowly started coming together. His secrets were becoming opened and within hours I knew for sure he was going to be the one. He had opened up to me until 6am and I honestly could have stayed longer with him to talk with him. Which after work that night I went straight to his house again and from there on, we were inseparable.
We started officially dating around October 5th, and up to today, you'd swear we have been together longer than 4 months..
It's crazy to think that it is only four months.
Life and Love have a great way of working with Fate.
It was a clear choice I wanted and needed to be with him. There was no denying that what I was attracted to in him, I did not feel in anybody else. No male or female person who I was with before couldn't even compare to the connection I had with Shane.
Do you call that Fate? I sure do. That out of the blue, an individual who I haven't even crossed paths before or anything is now in my life and have taken my life for the best of journeys I could ever ask for.
If you don't know how Shane and I met. It was through an online dating site called Plenty of Fish. Before I had met him, I was deeply heart broken from a guy who I thought liked me and wanted to push further in our relationship only to find out he wanted me for sex and such. I met Shane after my friend Sav told me that the best thing to do is to put myself out there once again and to not let the past define who I thought I was.
I had met Shane on September 27th, 2015. I had picked him up on that Sunday and we decided to get Starbucks (which is pretty much our favourite spot now) and to walk Zwicks. Over the course of the night our walls of life slowly started coming together. His secrets were becoming opened and within hours I knew for sure he was going to be the one. He had opened up to me until 6am and I honestly could have stayed longer with him to talk with him. Which after work that night I went straight to his house again and from there on, we were inseparable.
We started officially dating around October 5th, and up to today, you'd swear we have been together longer than 4 months..
It's crazy to think that it is only four months.
Life and Love have a great way of working with Fate.
Friday, 1 January 2016
"A straight person gone gay"
I just would like to start this blog post with saying that I love everything about my decision to finally be who I truly feel I am, how I am design and what I do with my life. The things that I have heard from eavesdropping or just people saying this in conversation to me has been shocking.
The term, "Straight person gone gay" or things similar just makes me sick. Like I am choosing to be Gay. I love how our world is so focused on choices. We have a choice to wake up and get out of bed, we have the choice to be with who we want to be with, we get to choose what coffee we drink, and we also get to "choose" whether we are gay or not... I'm sorry, for this one... I guarantee this does not fall under that same category.
I have had a couple individuals ask me about why I chose to be gay. Why I am choosing to be with another man, and why I chose to leave my last girlfriend. All questions, but yet I am set back with how insensitive they are to the subject.
I have felt that I was gay from at least the age of 10, maybe 11. I had had encounters with my cousins and with friends that introduced me to porn, or what-not during those ages. I took an interest in males around that time when I was friends with my one friend, Jesse. We used to watch porn with each other and it ended up with us just being really close in that sense. I knew that I liked boys but I didn't want to say anything because I was too afraid to lose all my friends, and have everyone turn their back on me. What startles me the most is that while growing up in highschool I forced myself to date girls, to "like" girls so that I would be normal. This time of my life really messed with my head and I ended up going into a spiral of distrust, disheartening, and depression. I was literally lying to myself to make myself look more desirable, to be attracted to this perverted thought of mine, and to ultimately be accepted.
Coming out of highschool I had accepted Christianity and I went on to getting myself way too involved and I ended up accepting all of their beliefs even before investigating them and seeing if they matched up with how I felt about life. To this day, I truly believe I went to church and accepted Christ because there was no other option, and I had my life on the line. This also caused a lot of damage to myself, and we soon found out that my presence in the church was limited as the time went on.
During my time with the Christian faith I went on to University over in New Brunswick thinking that these homosexual tendencies would stop and I could finally live a life worth living and I could finally be who I was... or who I thought I was based upon what was being told to me.
It wasn't until second year I ran into a man named Paul. I fell for him and I became really good friends with him... too good of friends to say the least. I always ask myself why I allowed myself to get too close to him, why I allowed him to come onto me and why I continued it. Things continued to unfold at the University when those who were close to me found out about who I truly was and they had pushed me away... farther than the entire campus and I was left alone defending myself while everyone had taken Paul's side in which he stated that it was all my doing... Which if I were to add ANYTHING into this (as a side note), he ended up leaving Kingswood to pursue homosexuality for over a year, and as far as I know (Which it could be different now) he is still gay.
One of my best friends, Travis, who I thought was going to be with me through thick and thin at the campus completely shut me out. He had lashed out at me and he disowned me from his life. It also turned out that he was battling with homosexuality and after graduating Kingswood University he too became homosexual and is still dating the same man... which now that I've creeped- He is currently engaged to him.
I have come to the current time. The year is 2015. Last year, literally. I knew something was going to break. I knew that seven years pushing all this biblical bullshit on my life was soon to overflow. I have seen God work in my life, and I know God is real... but I understand now that homosexuality is a REAL thing, and that it is natural. Nothing about homosexuality is wrong. There's nothing technically states. "You must not marry another man." The only place (Which is always so evident that people just google it) is from Exodus where it states, "A man shall not lay with another man like a woman." ... and that's it. They leave it there... Nothing else in their defense and then they expect you to decipher it. Yeah.... okay. Which gets me to my point. This is where, in their argument, they state. "You were straight one day, and now you're gay." When did you choose to be gay.
... When did I choose?
I was always gay. I knew that I was gay for so long... but it was society that gave me such a false impression and ultimately it scared me into being straight... lying to myself and to others about who I really felt I was, and I am just getting past the fact that there are also others that find it unnatural that I could go from dating girls to dating guys and how that is possible. My quick answer to that is; My want and need to help people extended to the ends of the earth and that has always been the case. I get way to involved into someone's life that I then feel obligated to leave. like, why would I leave this person in this state when I can help them.... Which in the end I know is bad, but I have always been like that with every relationship I have had with a girl. From Cassie, to Julie, from anyone in between I have always wanted to help those in need and those who were fighting battles of depression, anger, and other forms of pain.
In the end, I am who I am. I didn't chose to be Gay... I just was. I know who I am now and I love who I am. I would not change me for the world.
The term, "Straight person gone gay" or things similar just makes me sick. Like I am choosing to be Gay. I love how our world is so focused on choices. We have a choice to wake up and get out of bed, we have the choice to be with who we want to be with, we get to choose what coffee we drink, and we also get to "choose" whether we are gay or not... I'm sorry, for this one... I guarantee this does not fall under that same category.
I have had a couple individuals ask me about why I chose to be gay. Why I am choosing to be with another man, and why I chose to leave my last girlfriend. All questions, but yet I am set back with how insensitive they are to the subject.
I have felt that I was gay from at least the age of 10, maybe 11. I had had encounters with my cousins and with friends that introduced me to porn, or what-not during those ages. I took an interest in males around that time when I was friends with my one friend, Jesse. We used to watch porn with each other and it ended up with us just being really close in that sense. I knew that I liked boys but I didn't want to say anything because I was too afraid to lose all my friends, and have everyone turn their back on me. What startles me the most is that while growing up in highschool I forced myself to date girls, to "like" girls so that I would be normal. This time of my life really messed with my head and I ended up going into a spiral of distrust, disheartening, and depression. I was literally lying to myself to make myself look more desirable, to be attracted to this perverted thought of mine, and to ultimately be accepted.
Coming out of highschool I had accepted Christianity and I went on to getting myself way too involved and I ended up accepting all of their beliefs even before investigating them and seeing if they matched up with how I felt about life. To this day, I truly believe I went to church and accepted Christ because there was no other option, and I had my life on the line. This also caused a lot of damage to myself, and we soon found out that my presence in the church was limited as the time went on.
During my time with the Christian faith I went on to University over in New Brunswick thinking that these homosexual tendencies would stop and I could finally live a life worth living and I could finally be who I was... or who I thought I was based upon what was being told to me.
It wasn't until second year I ran into a man named Paul. I fell for him and I became really good friends with him... too good of friends to say the least. I always ask myself why I allowed myself to get too close to him, why I allowed him to come onto me and why I continued it. Things continued to unfold at the University when those who were close to me found out about who I truly was and they had pushed me away... farther than the entire campus and I was left alone defending myself while everyone had taken Paul's side in which he stated that it was all my doing... Which if I were to add ANYTHING into this (as a side note), he ended up leaving Kingswood to pursue homosexuality for over a year, and as far as I know (Which it could be different now) he is still gay.
One of my best friends, Travis, who I thought was going to be with me through thick and thin at the campus completely shut me out. He had lashed out at me and he disowned me from his life. It also turned out that he was battling with homosexuality and after graduating Kingswood University he too became homosexual and is still dating the same man... which now that I've creeped- He is currently engaged to him.
I have come to the current time. The year is 2015. Last year, literally. I knew something was going to break. I knew that seven years pushing all this biblical bullshit on my life was soon to overflow. I have seen God work in my life, and I know God is real... but I understand now that homosexuality is a REAL thing, and that it is natural. Nothing about homosexuality is wrong. There's nothing technically states. "You must not marry another man." The only place (Which is always so evident that people just google it) is from Exodus where it states, "A man shall not lay with another man like a woman." ... and that's it. They leave it there... Nothing else in their defense and then they expect you to decipher it. Yeah.... okay. Which gets me to my point. This is where, in their argument, they state. "You were straight one day, and now you're gay." When did you choose to be gay.
... When did I choose?
I was always gay. I knew that I was gay for so long... but it was society that gave me such a false impression and ultimately it scared me into being straight... lying to myself and to others about who I really felt I was, and I am just getting past the fact that there are also others that find it unnatural that I could go from dating girls to dating guys and how that is possible. My quick answer to that is; My want and need to help people extended to the ends of the earth and that has always been the case. I get way to involved into someone's life that I then feel obligated to leave. like, why would I leave this person in this state when I can help them.... Which in the end I know is bad, but I have always been like that with every relationship I have had with a girl. From Cassie, to Julie, from anyone in between I have always wanted to help those in need and those who were fighting battles of depression, anger, and other forms of pain.
In the end, I am who I am. I didn't chose to be Gay... I just was. I know who I am now and I love who I am. I would not change me for the world.
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Happily ever after
Life has turned for the better during the time of breaking from the mould and being who I feel I am supposed to be, I followed my heart and my instinct and it brought me another quick, painful but intuitive relationship where I learned that guys you meet only want you for one thing... And sometimes that's just sex.
Which bring me to my favourite part of the story. After being disheartened, I told myself I would never date again, but in the back of my mind, a small voice kept telling me, "One more try," and if it wasn't for me listening I wouldn't have created my profile on Plenty Of Fish, and I wouldn't have met Shane. It's crazy to think that I met him off a dating website, and by the way we act... You wouldn't believe it either. He is definitely my happily ever after, and I am beyond blessed to call him my boyfriend.
For marriage, it'll come in time... We are still learning more about each other and where we can go as a couple. Love it so far! :)
Monday, 21 December 2015
Everyone's battling something you can't see.
Those people who come into my work who are mad at the world, I am in empathy, and am saddened that people who come into contact with others do not see their fault in their reactions and how they treat others.
I have been relaxing tonight. While cuddling with Alley I am thinking that this couldn't get any better. I have a boyfriend who loves me, I have a roof over my head, a job and honestly I couldn't be more happier. I don't think I could have ever asked for a different way for my life to end up.
My attitude has definitely changed and I have to admit that reflecting on the last six months I have to say that those who I have shut out of my life - there's a reason why it happened, and I have to say that I don't regret doing so, but I do have to say that I am sorry that those who were affected by it have taken it personally to a point where their relationship with God had suffered for it. Is that last part my fault? No, but it is still something I think about.
Saturday, 19 December 2015
The busy life
Alright,
So the days are winding down to Christmas, and I have literally just finished a seven day stretch that has made me SUPER tired and exhausted. I currently work at Starbucks as a barista. It has been one of my active jobs I have ever had and I have to admit that it is my favourite thus far.
So a bit about my life. If you haven't followed my other blogs or not I had a journey through Christianity as I found who i truly was and through traveling to New Brunswick, New York and even Shanghai, I have realized that my life was missing something... and no, not a girl in my life... It was that I have been lying to myself that I wasn't gay since high school. Thinking about it now- How tormented was my thoughts through high school that I kept pushing who I knew I was and created this idea of who I needed to be. It has been very eye opening these last couple months and I can finally say that "coming out" has been the best thing I have ever done. It has made me grow a tough skin because I had a lot of people push away from me, and I had chose to push a lot of people away too.
For those I hurt; I am sorry that my life was a big focus to you as an individual. That my choice to finally not lie to myself and others have emotionally hurt you. That my lifestyle and who I am wasn't "what you wanted".
Now, there was a push by myself. I can fully testify on that. I did push people away... and I don't think I will ever apologize for doing so. I knew those who would stay with me, and those who just couldn't handle me. Do you think I really wanted those who would talk behind my back in my life anyways.
So a bit about my life. If you haven't followed my other blogs or not I had a journey through Christianity as I found who i truly was and through traveling to New Brunswick, New York and even Shanghai, I have realized that my life was missing something... and no, not a girl in my life... It was that I have been lying to myself that I wasn't gay since high school. Thinking about it now- How tormented was my thoughts through high school that I kept pushing who I knew I was and created this idea of who I needed to be. It has been very eye opening these last couple months and I can finally say that "coming out" has been the best thing I have ever done. It has made me grow a tough skin because I had a lot of people push away from me, and I had chose to push a lot of people away too.
For those I hurt; I am sorry that my life was a big focus to you as an individual. That my choice to finally not lie to myself and others have emotionally hurt you. That my lifestyle and who I am wasn't "what you wanted".
Now, there was a push by myself. I can fully testify on that. I did push people away... and I don't think I will ever apologize for doing so. I knew those who would stay with me, and those who just couldn't handle me. Do you think I really wanted those who would talk behind my back in my life anyways.
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